Book of Love by Who/Chapter Nine/Heart of Darkness

   My personal story and journey into a nightmare of darkness and speration and family and friends and soiled reputation begins while leaning over a dumpster in the dark of a Sausalito night while recycling and cursing the day I was born like Job in the Bible so to speak of at least cursing my situation and how I got there and what brought me so low as to like Elijah the prophet in his lowest moment under a tree in the wilderness and after slaying his five hundred prophets of Baal on his mountaintop too experience on Mount Carmel in modern day Haifa of which I remember also standing on the Mountain in Israel and looking out over the ocean and remember how that after Elijah prayed that the Heavens drop no rain for years as a punishment for worshipping the lust and sex god Baal and the sacrifices of babies too him like in an abortion clinic and remembering that a sign appeared after he prayed for the rain to return of a cloud in the form of a human hand and it began to rain again and seven years of drought and as I wondered this Bible passage in this Biblical place it began to rain 🌧️ and I felt like I was on the Mountain top with God and doing His will in Israel and my heart was full 🌝 if not breathless and like Elijah who then slew give thousand false profits with the sword after calling down fire on the mountain and lighting and destroying the sacrificed bulls as a sign of his power with God and the impotent prophets of Baal could only weep and cry and cut themselves try to get their false God of the World 🌍 Baal to bring down fire first and Elijah laughing and at the top of his game and mocking the false prophets and saying that maybe thier God is asleep and after this the most wicked women in Biblical history Jezebaal swore to murder him for his act of killing if having her false prophets killed and he fled into the wilderness south ⬇️ and sat exhausted under a juniper tree and prayed for death to take him being exhausted alone and hungry and after falling asleep woke up to find food and water that an Angel had left him while asleep and in the streagth of that meal marched into the wilderness of Siani and found a cave where Moses dwelt on the maountain in Arabia of where Saint Paul retreated also after his dramatic conversion and spent years listening to God there before entering into public ministry and of course there was water and food and bedouins to supply him in the wilderness and then while Elijah was standing in the cave entrance lighting thunder and wind and earthquakes passed in front of him but God was not speaking in these signs and wonders to him and he could not hear the voice of God in these natural events in the wilderness and then he retreated into the deepest park of the cave after experiencing all these natural events of which pagans for millienia called the gods of all these natural events and cycles and at the end his his darkest night and tunnel a sort of tomb and last resting place he heard a still small voice in the pitch darkness and quite and God said what ails you Elijah and he said that he had been very jealous and zealous for the Lord and now Jezebaal wants to murder me and here I am in hiding the only one left that hasn't bowed the knee too Baal and God said that he had five thousand believers that had not bowed the knee to Baal and that he should go to Syria and anoint a king and ordian Elisha to take his place before He takes him home in a charity made of fire as he had asked the Father to take him home and here I am wishing that I was dead also in Heaven in my lowest of moments in hiding in plain sight and recycling out of dumpsters in the dero of the night when all is quite like a monastic experience with nobody around and people even in the day time date not approach me me or talk to me while recycling and salvaging out of the marine and yacht harbor dumpsters rich in man's discarted play things and excess food and clothes and everything one can imagine that rich people throw away and feeling day and night as though I was in a monastery being punished, tried and tested in the cold of the dark still nights and feeling so all alone before retreating again to my anchored boat off shore just to be alone again after recycling a night long often til the dawn begins to break and the stars being my only company in these dark, cold and still nights and while wrestling with my hates and visions of revenge and retailation for my situation I began to hate womenkind for all their betrayals from Eve on down and felt like Saint Paul wrote that wives should be subject to thier husbands and Eve's curse was to cleave or to be dependant on their husbands and forgetting in my pain and sorrows and loss that brought me here to live ones wife unconditionally in exchange for their loyalty and live also, but like the winds and rains and storms of life one must be still to know that He is God and has everything under control and that there is a bigger picture out there and that this is only a test of ones faith and a severe test at that for someone called to experience such darkness in an earthly hell in a place called Sausalito on the San Francisco Bay for everyone's dream to come and live and but when all alone and broke and salvaging and living out of dumpsters one finds it hard to find company that one can afford, and as I was wrestling with my darkness and hate of womenkind and ugly thoughts in my dispair towards any man that would dare try to touch my three children and thier mother I can across a Playboy Magazine tossed by some rich yachty yachtye only I began to look into it as I usually leave them when I find them even though as friend said that he would buy any I find and sometimes stacks of them and I wouldn't for some things are not for sale and I have only bought one such magazine once in my life a sealed in plastic Hustler Magazine after he processed to be a Born Again Christian and changed his ways and his cartoon character Chester the Molester would become Chester the protector and after breaking the plastic seal at home it was the same old thing and maybe tuned down for it's hard for a ship to turn it's course so quickly after all it's years and weight and momentum and so I moved on and never watching or seeing pornography since becoming a Born Again Christian and even then I never remember ever watching a full blown pornography movie for instance but did take a glimpse at some home porn videos thrown away and looked into a few magazines that I found but never got hooked on thenn as I was salvaging and recycling and finnaly deduced that this stuff wi only make one frustrated and addicted so I began to just leave them where I found them and but this night in my darkness and temptation to hate I looked into the magazine and saw how beautiful these women looked again and said to myself how can I hate such beauty and so I returned home too my vessel and turned in the television and there was the host of the 700 Club visiting in San Francisco and telecasting and watching her as innocent as a gleeful child intoxicated by the beauty of San Francisco and it's surroundings and see pointed too the Marin Headlands on the other side of the Golden Gate Bridge and bust out that there was even a nude beach over there ☺️ of which I didn't even know even though it was in my backyard so to speak from Sausalito the community of bedroom community of San Franciscos suburb, so to speak and I took it as a 😁 sign to go and investigate and I knew the co host of the 700 Club was not being lustful but as innocent as a child and being former Miss America she do doubt had been proded, poked, tucked and stripped naked many times to glaring eyes of both men and women on her way up too the top and was accustomed to nudity in that profession as a model and again took it as innocence for to the pure in heart all things are pure the Scriptures teach and I went there and the first person I was naked was an overwieght women with a beautiful smile and fair skin and fairly youthful with what I can only describe as my first visit ever to a clothing option beach was her skin tone of which was married by stretch marks and and was my baptism into the world of nudity and saw for the first time what people looked like naked in general and I saw alm the faults, the veracose vains, the cottage cheese skin   and the streach marks from be overwieght and from pregnancy and tattoos in  places that one could do not believe as nist of these people were from liberal San Francisco for the beach is virtually hidden from sight on the Marin County side of the bridge and can plainly be seen from San Francisco so all  these with and pale office workers and indoor people came for the sun to bath and all the quote "Gay" and homosexual men in general were on one end of the long and stunningly beautiful volcanic beach with boulders of what looked like California red and green jade or what is called Serpentine rock with beautiful volcanic black sand with Carnilluans strewn about in the sand for the picking and a sma waterfall for showering and a large volcanic vent filled with water deep enough to cannon ball into and I felt like that I had come to and earthly Paradise with"  the big ships and liners sailing or cruising by in the distance and the Golden Gate Bridge entrance at ones feet and was quite overwhelming and the do called straight sun bathers with the "Gay" women on the opposite side from the "Gay" men as they didn't mingle much together and and obviously would rather meet fellow women even if they were straight and they would cuddle together and a was so peaceful and serene with no bikers or drinks or drug crazed meth addicts of heroin users in public and alm looked professional and had jobs and cars too drive across from San Francisco and not the to get waterfront of Sausalito with all it's burned out derelicts on meth and alcohole and alone and abandoned and some people would have sex discretely on the beach of touch one another and the police and Park Rangers never come unless 😭and an emergency and I felt all my hate and prejudice melt away and felt sorry especially for the Lesbians who had tattoos and pierced body rings everywhere on can imagine and some of the tattoos were gross and not lovely or artistic but just black strips sometimes and nothing fancy or multi colored if detailed like men's tatoos in a proverbial bar and I saw sadness and lonelyness in thier eyes also holding on to one another and everyone respectful and friendly with a leave you alone atmosphere and one can do thier own thing and so left a different person with more love and compassion in my heart for the human race naked and especially the women, that I began to hate and could have turned "Gay" in a way and maybe I did in a little way 🌈 in a good way for after all the largest cover ministry in the World for a time started with my preaching long earlier when I was a young Church planter in San Anselmo California in Marin County when our Church organist Frank Worthen who is with the Lord now after marrying eventually and had come to me oneer  Sunday and asked if if it would be appropriate to give a series of taped messages on our weekly radio program out of San Francisco about his deliverance from the homosexual and Gay lifestyle that his former minister while and organist in another Church, some twenty years earlier who had introduced him to the Gay lifestyle when he was 😃 a young man and had become addicted and lived with his co partner in the largest import export store in the County called the Back Market and as got older and couldn't find young Gay lovers to have sex with he resorted to going to the Black Rooms if San Francisco to have sex in the dark with strangers and was seriously contemplating suicide and no doubt thinking about jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge when a fellow newly Born Again Christian brother who worked for him had the keys tge most beautiful chapel in Marin County on Seminary Hill in San Anselmo where we had our Sunday services and he knelt down and prayed with him to receive the Lord Jesus Christ and was Born Again and I remember seeing him first in Church and he looked soer  bored beyond words and I didn't know that he had just received the Lord in his heart and I thought that he would never come totb our Church again and he came again and said that he used to be a Church organist and that could he be our Church organist and I was over whelmed and said yes of course and eventually he felt the need to reach "Gay" people for Christ and this was before the Aids epidemic and I let him do his shirt series of radio messages to reach Gays for Christ of which he called the Brother Frank Ministry the first ministry to reach Gays for Christ and meanwhile a local Church leader and Pastor in the next town was writhing a book called the Third Sex a book to reach homosexually addicted people for Christ and unbeknown too Frank he had a dream that he should go and meet this Baptist trained minister and and minister wrote his story into his book and the book became a sensation and Frank was invited on national television to tell his story on the Phil Donahue and others on the circuit and then he had another dream that I was his Elder in Christ, even though he was older then me and but the other minister offered him an office and position in his Church Ministry of which was vast and he left our Church eventually to become a pastor and Elder in that small but growing Jesus Movement denomination and co started his own ministry also called Love in Action with the help of so said minister and pastor working together and soon other ministries to reach Gays for Christ began popping up or were already there and forming into an umbrella organization called Exodus International and virtually all the correspondence came to Frank's ministies office and he became the defacto head of the World's largest cover ministry to reach Gays for Christ and it all started under my preaching and in our little congregation called Agape' Church of which means unconditional love in Greek and later Fank Started another ministry called the Lighthouse Ministries in San Rafael California before he went to be with the Lord after marrying and becoming a pastor himself and starting a ministry that will last forever in people's hearts of graditute for deliverance from harmful addictions such as sex and drugs...to be Continued and if anyone would like to help me word process this work or book please do for credits and love and royalties for Christ and then please do and or make comments and suggestions and corrections and I will love you for it either by email or posting peteromanowsky@gmail.com